All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”