I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening