I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.