It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sharon, call the vet
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.