Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
You Might Also Like
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
True
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.