wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.