Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs