A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
buys donuts instead
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go