Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Anime is real
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Lucky for them, they’re cute
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver