So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it