Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Note to self: I am a note
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’