There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
You Might Also Like
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Art by Pastelkatto
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Most fashion shows these days…
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err