Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar