my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Labreador
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..