[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.