*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
🤣😈🤣
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”