If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
You Might Also Like
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*