If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Not helping
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.