DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
And now we wait
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.