My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
what does he know…
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE