Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers