Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My background check bounced.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.