Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.