[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain