Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO