I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.