If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
This is enough internet for the day.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Cat is stressing him out.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”