The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.