My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Bill is short for Billiam
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money