Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m not proud
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
LA today:
This is a bad sign
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .