Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.