My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.