Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
fired
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!