“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“That’s what” – She
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.