Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.