If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?