straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
You Might Also Like
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.