Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know