The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My whole life was a lie.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I love wikipedia
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion