me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?