You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.