After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps