There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
These aliens are taking forever.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.