“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands