Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Try and stop me.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Thursday Thought.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
This cat wants you to take your pills
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Finally
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.