SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think