me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Basically.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.