robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Yup.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries