AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You Might Also Like
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
💁🏻♂️
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
i dont have time for this
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*