I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman